Hey everyone. I am pleased that Laurie Watson, a Raleigh-based licensed marriage, couples, and sex therapist, has agree to dabble here and there for the Kamm-McKenzie blog. Laurie has been an invaluable resource to our patients over the years. We greatly appreciate her contribution here, and her contact information can be found below.
— Dr. B
What men need to know; what women need to do. How to maximize her desire and get her to say yes to sex and variety! Develop the erotic self without pole dancing. Here are three ideas for each gender to help lead to better sex.
1) Seduction = wanting her not just wanting sex. Men get tired of asking and being turned away. Initiating is being vulnerable to rejection. Unfortunately, sometimes a sabotaging cycle ensues where his fear of her “no” causes him to be blasé about the request. “You wanna do it?” he asks. “Mmmm, no,” she thinks. Gone are the days of hearts and flowers where he put time, energy and money into seduction. But in the billion dollar woman-vetted industry of romance novels, seduction is formulaic. He gives her undivided attention (put the phone down!) He spends his resources on pleasing her. He tells her what he thinks is so attractive about her. He looks her in the eyes. His sexual energy is palpable. And she feels special. He has communicated that he wants her not just physical release.
2) Suggest something new when she’s aroused. – Women are not often impressed with the morning-after review. She wants to feel like she has pleased their partner. Suggestions can seem like the lovemaking wasn’t satisfying or her performance wasn’t enough. Ironically, while the man may just be trying to make it even better, a woman’s confidence can wither. Women are still socialized to be modest about sex. If his new idea comes on the drive home from a dinner date, she might reject it because she isn’t ready yet. But when she’s aroused, it’s like being in transition during birth. At first, you cringe when you think about all those medical professionals seeing you naked. By the time you are near-birth, you might throw the sheets off and demand that someone, “Get this baby out of here!” All modesty is lost. About halfway up the mountain of sexual arousal, women come out from under the sheets too. Mentally, she loses some of her inhibition as desire kicks in! She thinks, “I DO want to do this!” and she’s open to creativity. That’s the time to suggest variety. *Caveat – don’t suggest something that you know she would morally object to or you will lose her trust.
3) Most women don’t orgasm with penetration. – Contrary to what the movies demonstrate in a 90 second clip, most women need about 20 minutes of direct, contiguous, clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Only about 15-20% orgasm with penetration and often that is due to a intercourse position that rubs the clitoris. Furthermore, touching this delicate structure only feels good when she is already aroused. Men can find this advice contradictory – she needs lots of touching but he should wait. How does he get her going then? Masculine energy on a short tether is exciting to her. His whispering, massaging, body stroking and teasing for quite some time before direct stimulation helps get her blood and lubrication flowing.
1) Erotic core starts with a voice (in and out of bed.) Speak up in bed!!! He cannot possibly know what you like. Sensations change for you depending on the time of month, time of day and amount of arousal. What works one minute won’t work the next. My husband says women are like a combination lock where the combination keeps changing… give him the secret code! Out of bed, you need to represent your needs well so that resentment doesn’t creep in between the sheets. Make sure the load of household work, childcare and errands is fairly shared. Free time is a negotiable commodity. Resentment is the number one relational killer of sexual desire.
2) Body image stops women from relaxed enjoyment. Women often believe that if they were 10 pounds thinner or just a little firmer they would really enjoy sex. Post-partum women struggle with their changed body and worry that the “sexy girl” is gone – replaced by a matron with heavier breasts and bellies. When undressing, they critically focus on their flaws. And what woman can live up to the media’s pressure for perfection? Instead, focus on your breath. Seriously, count “breathe in – breathe out” stop your critical mind and come into your body in the present moment. Allow yourself to be touched and focus on sensation. Does it feel good? Allow the fire inside to build. Dress up in desire!! And he won’t care about lingerie.
3) Play first; party second. Make love when you have energy. Hire a babysitter to take the kids around the block on a walk or to the park or pizza parlor. Having an hour to bathe and make love while you’re still at home and feeling fresh is the best way to start an evening date. Don’t wait till you’re exhausted from the late hour, too much food or too much drink.
Laurie Watson, author of Wanting Sex Again – a book for women with low libido, is a Raleigh marriage, family therapist and certified sex therapist at Awakenings. She blogs for Psychology Today and Huffington Post. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.